I am
obese.
Morbidly obese according to every
medical journal and societal convention. That is precisely what I am. There is
no doubt about it.
I didn't wake up one morning and say to myself, "Hey, I've decided I want to
look like a negative stereotype."
It happened over a period
36 years. Years of having an unhealthy relationship with my body, my self
esteem, and with food. Years of dealing with a metabolism that is sluggish and
stubborn and struggling and failing with every fad diet that comes down the
pike.
I am
fat.
When I started about the 2nd grade, I
was considered chubby. For the next 10 years of my public schooling, I dealt
with horrible psychological cruelty from my schoolmates.
I would find notes in my desk that said "Take a shower, pig." taped to a bottle
of roll-on deodorant yet I didn't have poor hygeine.
People used to "moo" at me when I walked down the halls to class and ridicule me
when I ate lunch, saying things like, "Save some for the other kids." yet I
barely ate a thing at school.
I fluctuated between a size 10 and a size 12 back then and was roughly 5'5''
tall. Looking back, I wasn't really very big at all. I played sports and was
very active. I walked or rode a bike everywhere I went. I was very healthy.
But I didn't want to go to sleep at night because waking up in the morning meant
that I had to face my tormentors. I was too humiliated to tell my parents
or my family. Shame and embarrassment became a part of my daily life.
Even when I resorted to using caffeine, speed, and vomiting to bring me down to
a size 7 in the 11th grade, my classmates didn't see me as a thin person.
What is even more frightening is neither did I.
I am
large.
I've heard all of the polite niceties,
such as "Oh but you have such a pretty face."
I've seen men write me off with a single glance and women glare at me as if I
have no business eating at the local cafe.
I cannot win in those situations. If I choose to eat a salad, people think "Oh
yeah, right. I'll bet when she goes home she pigs out on candybars." but if I
choose to eat a hamburger and fries, they will think, "Why is she eating that
crap? Can't she see she's fat? She should be eating a salad!"
I have heard similar things whispered by people when I have been out at a
restaurant. It makes going out for dinner a sometimes stressful social event.
But I still go.
I am
heavy.
I have learned that there are people
who can see through the distorted lens of society and see to the real person who
lives inside the shell.
I have spent my life living with feelings of shame and self-loathing because of
those people who cannot.
I have been taunted by young men in cars who cannot help themselves. They cannot
resist the easy target of the fat woman in the car next to them. They point west
and tell me that the beach is that way for whales. They use terms like "ugly fat
bitch" and "lard-ass" and these words roll off their tongues with seeming
delight - not caring that my child is in the car with me, listening to every
word they say.
Yet these same people probably wonder why I have an unhealthy relationship with
my body and with food.
I am
a B.B.W.
A newer acronym to be sure - one
developed in the last quarter century to give fat women a term to make them feel proud.
Big, Beautiful Woman. Bravo!
At first I was reluctant to take on that term. I refused to use it to define
myself. I would not attend any chat function that used those words. My reasons
were twofold.
One, I would have to admit to the world and myself that I was indeed fat.
Two, I would be saying to people that I am a beautiful woman - something which I
could not and would not allow myself to say or believe.
Now, I am learning that I
can do both.
I am
a woman.
- A strong woman. I spent several
years as a single parent, struggling to make ends meet, to be both a mother and
father to my oldest son, and to retain my own identity.
I have survived rape, armed robbery, stalking, drug use, and abuse but I refuse
to be a victim.
Don't feel sorry for me, be
proud of me. I certainly am.
I am
human.
I am a mother, servant and a wife. I
am a sister, a daughter, and a friend. I am all of these things.
I am a woman who loves with all that I am and defends what I love fiercely. I am
both loving and loyal to the people I choose to surround myself with - my
friends and family.
I am an artist and a poet, musician and singer, business owner and photographer.
I am intensely passionate about music, cooking, literature, knowledge, and a
thousand other things that pepper my life with variety and interest.
I spent my life becoming this person - 36 years to be precise. I deserve the
respect and dignity that is afforded to any woman who has accomplished these
things in life regardless of my size.
I am
beautiful.
Maybe not by the standards of societal
convention but by the standards of those who love me.
To my husband, I am more
than beautiful. It would not matter if I were narrow or round - he sees in
me what so many others cannot.
I will continue to work toward having a healthier relationship with my body and
with food. I will strive to bring myself down to a size that is conducive to
good health and vitality. I will not, however, try to starve myself into
society's mold.
I will work on my physical health because I need to be around long enough to
spend decades with the people I love.
I will not do these things to please rude people in restaurants, cruel teenage
boys in cars, or the fading ghosts of my past.
I will take pride not only in my carriage but in the ways of my heart and spirit
as I learn to hold my head high and be proud of all that I am.
I am all of those labels
mentioned above and more.
I am uniquely and passionately...
me.
All content copyright 2005 Laura J. Judd.
email: laurajudd@moonspheres.com
Please click here to read a bit about the "who" and the "why."
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Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to send me a note. It means the world to me!