A little bit about the who and the why...
As you have probably already figured out, my name is Laura Judd. *grin*
I live in the American
Southwest with my husband and our youngest son. I run a small
business that allows me to be home with them - this is wonderful to me because
I pretty much live to take care of my family.
One night, while my husband was
attending a sleep study (overnight) I figured I might try
to take a few nude photos to help me along my road to self-acceptance.
My thoughts were this: If
I look at myself long enough and often enough in an artistic
manner then maybe I might start to see myself as my loved ones do - as a
person of beauty
rather than just a frumpy fat cow (which is how I usually see myself.)
I spent the better part of the
wee hours taking self portraits, using the camera's timer device
and then running like mad to get into place. It looked like something out
of a silent film comedy
as I nearly knocked the lights, tripod, and bench over about a bazillion times.
When I was done, I had about a
dozen photos - most of which I absolutely LOATHED but
I processed them anyway, staying with my original idea.
I showed them to my husband
when he came home and he (of course) loved them. He is
a wonderful man who loves all of me - I am very fortunate.
The next day while in the
shower, I was hit by a bolt of inspiration and with my hair still
soaking wet, I wrapped myself up in a towel and dashed to my office (its at
home)
and began to write. I figured that since I have such a terrible time with
my
"self loathing" that I would create something that I could both view and read
every day -
an affirmation of sorts to help me to be more positive about myself.
As my "I am" page states, I've
struggled my whole life with size issues and my self confidence
has been pretty poor. On the outside I usually appear very confident but
on the inside, I'm a
scared lass for sure.
As I sat there typing, the page
began to take on a life of its own and before I knew it, I was
frantically typing, tears rolling down my cheeks, smiling at the epiphany that
had just rocked
the entire foundation that my poor self esteem had been built on.
When it was complete, I sat
back and read it aloud. I was still uncomfy with the photos but
it felt so good to hear those words. They were like a soothing balm to my
raw and hurting psyche.
My husband was sleeping so I
shared the page with my dear and beautiful friend, Shyly.
She asked if she could share it with some of her "Size acceptance" e-groups and
such and I was
reluctant to put myself out there nude, vulnerable, and stripped bare of my
usual shroud of
self loathing & doubt. Shyly felt that the page had a message that people
had to see.
My husband awoke and viewed the
page and after expressing his pleasure and pride at my
progress and with the page itself, he said that he agreed with Shyly and that it
was something
that needed to get out there - that people needed to see both the visual and
verbal message.
It was with a great deal of
trepidation that I gave Shyly the green light - I was pretty terrified
but within moments, the e-mails started pouring in from all over the country
(even the world.)
There were so many people who read my words and told me that I gave a
voice to their
own feelings and it helped them to not feel so alone. It was in this that
I realized that
I wasn't alone either - I had all of these people who shared in my words, my
pain, and my triumph.
I cannot tell you how much this
project has done for me. I feel like a woman reborn - not
just because of the page but moreso because of the hundreds of e-mails and
messages from people
who have opened their hearts and shared a bit of their own lives with me.
It has been so cathartic
and liberating and I feel like my family just grew exponentially.
Thank you so much for taking
the time to visit my page and a special thank you to those who
took the time to write to me and tell me how you felt. I am working to
e-mail everyone back
but it is a slow process as there are just so many.
With much, much love...
-Laura
view some of the responses I have received
All content copyright 2005 Laura J. Judd.
email: laurajudd@moonspheres.com